Testimony

Ok everyone, here is the testimony I promised to post! Its kind of long but it is what the Lord wanted me to share! My prayer is that wile i am away this next year, God will use this blog to help change someones life! I don't know who you are, but if you're reading this I hope that it opens your eyes to how Great our God is and how much He truly loves you!! Enjoy!

Something I have been working on the last 2 months is believing Gods best for me in His word. Believing that He has a plan in place for my life and believing what He says about me is true. Seeing myself as “beautifully and wonderfully made” or “perfect in his imagine just the way He made me to be.” In our society looks are taking over everything, from Tv to billboards to magazines. Our perception of what is healthy or beautiful is distorted!

For the last 5 years I have been battling an eating disorder on and off. It wasn’t until this last year that I felt I couldn’t take it anymore but I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid that the control I thought I had would be taken away. In reality I had no control anyways. I was loosing weight and loved getting complements all the time, it made me feel good about myself, even though I still hated myself for what I was doing! Things started going downhill fast and then 2 months ago happened.

A word I want you to remember today is Repentance! Its durable and brings about Gods kingdom in your midst, it’s the key to the abundant life full of grace that God desires for us.

Repentance means to change ones mind because of the consequences of sin. Or a change of mind consequent to the after knowledge indicating regret for the course perused and resulting in a wiser view of the past and the future. To regret because of the consequences of ones act or acts to comprehend. We repent not because we are in trouble but because we have a wiser view of the past and future. We comprehend our actions; we choose to change our minds to agree with Gods word and to believe Gods word and what He says.

            In my case I have recently repented and am choosing to place myself where God is and trying and see what He sees in me rather then what I see in the mirror or what the world sees in me. I am choosing to change my mind, to agree with Gods word and to believe what His word says. This hasn’t been easy! Its taken a lot of wrong turns to get to this point but I am happy to say that I am thankful for a God who loves me unconditionally and always takes me back no matter what!

            2 ½ years ago I stood up here and told my testimony.. The story of my life and how God was molding me into the beautiful creation that He made me to be. Through the good times and bad, but to be quite honest I thought this was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Admitting that I was not perfect and had a lot of things to work though! So I thought.. Little did I know I was about to encounter trials that would make standing up here seem like nothing. Well the mane reason why I wanted to talk to you today is because I want you to know how great our God is! I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and everything I’ve faced in my life is going to be used for the glory of God! All things working together for good not bad!

            I don’t know what needs to be said today but I am trusting that whatever comes out of my mouth is from the Lord and needs to be spoken to you. I don’t know what you are struggling with or your life circumstances but I do know that we serve a mighty God! A God who is forever understanding, forgiving, comforter, a shelter from the storm, a resting place and a foundation beneath our feat!

            Today I turned 22 and honestly a couple of months ago I didn’t even know if I would make it to this day.. I’ve never felt so low in my life… I would wear a smile on my face but those who really new me could see it in my eyes.. They could see that I wasn’t alright, that I didn’t want to be alive anymore. Hiding behind a smile only did so much.. And the little that it did do wasn’t anything good! I lied to my family at home so they wouldn’t worry about me but then it got to the point that I was scared for my life.. I was confused. I wanted to be alive but I didn’t. Deep down I was broken and trying to cling with all I had to the hope I have in the Lord. The hope that He would never give me more then I could handle., but on the surface of it all I didn’t think I would last another night.. Every day I would say “Taylor you just have to make it through today.. just make it past this 1 minute, you can do this!!” I new I didn’t have the courage to actually take my own life but I didn’t want to test the waters! I was hardly eating anything and couldn’t sleep, I was restless and didn’t know what to do! Being on the ledge is not a fun place to be, technically speaking. But The Lord is bringing freedom, healing, comfort and wisdom through all of this!

            Around the middle of October I decided I would check myself into a hospital so that I would have a sense of security knowing that I would be safe there! This was one of the newly discovered hard things I never thought I would have to do; yet God was with me through it all! He placed amazing people in my life that would be willing to sit there, wait, listen, and support me! No matter how hard it was for me or them.. At first I felt completely ashamed that I was going to a hospital for suicidal thoughts and an eating disorder but I knew I had to protect myself and if that is what it took then I was going to do it! One thing I have learned is that this is not something to be ashamed of! In the moment wile I was going through it, yes I felt ashamed but now as I look back I now know that God intended for me to go there! It gave me a great opportunity to get to know others who were struggling with similar situations and it opened the door for me to share with them my faith in the Lord. I prayed over a young girl who is schizophrenic and then the next day lead a bible study which resulted in a bible study the next 2 nights as well.. Yes I was struggling.. yes I was in a hospital because of it.. But was God still able to use me?? YES! It is because of our obedience in Christ that allows Him to use us in every single circumstance we face in our daily lives. DO NOT count yourself at loss because you feel lost, broken, alone, afraid, it is when we are weak that He is STRONG! HE IS STRONG! Not us! But it is Christ in us that pulls us through the hard times! We cannot get through this life without Christ and I promise you that if it wasn’t for Him I would not be alive right now! It is because of my hope in Him that I can stand up here today and tell you how great he truly is!

           

            When I got out of the hospital I was at school only for 3 full days until my parents made the decision to have me come home! Here is another very difficult thing I thought I would never have to encounter. My goal was to survive to the end of the semester! Just 6 weeks more, and here I was being told that I was flying home the next day, without a choice in the matter. I felt abandoned, alone, afraid, lost, broken, helpless, as if everything I have worked for was now gone.. But what I didn’t realize was how bad off I really was.. At this point I could hardly walk on my own and was passing out. I could hardly go an hour without having a panic attack; I would have never made it to the end of the semester!  I realize that now, not then!

            Now I want you to see where I am headed with this! God HAS a plan for your life!! It may not line up with your plan but just because it doesn’t match doesn’t mean it wont work. Chances are if you just let Him lead, you will be much better off! My plan was to last till the end of the semester; Gods plan was for me to come home! Because I obeyed and came home I had more free time to spend with the Lord. Because I came home I was able to rest and focus on healing spiritually, mentally and physically and began to enjoy the things I loved again such as playing the piano!

            This next year will mark a victory in my life! I am taking on a challenge that I thought I would never have to take on, but you know what? God is faithful and good and He has a plan that is far greater then any plan I could ever put together! I’ve trusted and waited on Him and His timing and because I have I will be spending the Next year living on a farm in NH. I will be going to a facility called His Mansion! A Christ centered residential treatment center that will help me find freedom in Christ from all the issues I’ve experienced or have had to deal with in that last couple of years. God has truly opened up the doors for me to go to this place and I honestly had my doubts.. I thought I wasn’t good enough to go.. I thought that maybe I wasn’t sick.. that it was all in my head.. In a sense that is correct. It is all in my head but wile I’m away Ill learn how to let the Lord lead and how to surrender my pain, fears, anger and whatever other emotion satin can use to trap me and Ill find freedom in the Lord! This place is free to anyone 18-35 years of age and is there to help young men and women find healing through the Lord in a community like environment. 

            It is because of the Grace of God that I am saved and it is because of my faith in the Lord that allows me to stand up here today! A friend of mine once told me “Taylor If satin didn’t see you as a threat then why would he be trying so hard to get rid of you?” I have no idea what Gods plan is for my life but I surrender it all to Him! Because I’ve done this I can sleep peacefully at night now.. Not dreading the fact that I have to wake up in the morning, but celebrating the new day that I have been blessed to have so that maybe I can be used to change someone’s life. Yes I have been through a lot in my life but I wouldn’t change a thing about it, because God HAS a plan and as long as you obey and follow Him, trusting that He knows what He is doing, then everything will work out great! Far greater then anything you could possibly imagine!

“I want to be the kind of person that when my feat hit the floor each morning, satin yells “OH NO!!! SHE’S AWAKE!!!”

As I go through this next year I am going to build up into this kind of person! Yes I know I will fall along the way but I am not perfect. None of us are! That is something I’ve been trying really hard to comprehend, that I am not perfect and I do mess up. Wile I am away I will not have Internet or my cell phone.. But I can receive mail! I have with me cards that have the address on it so if anyone would care to write me wile I am away please feel free to pick one up! Your support and encouragement is greatly needed and appreciated! I can’t get through this alone but we can get through it together as a body of Christ! With that being said I would like to end with this statement and verse.

Your circumstances may not be what you envisioned, but they are no obstacle for God. Paul learned that God was fully capable to reveal Himself, not only in the expected places, but in that which was unexpected as well. Paul wrote, But thanks be to God, who always leads us in His triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place (2 Cor 2:14). As you exercise your faith, as you rest, trusting in Him, do what Christ would do in your circumstances. Unbelief will flee as you become Christlike in the crisis. God will turn your setback into a setup that releases destiny.

Thank you!

With Lots of Love

Me

P.s- As I mentioned in my last post, NO MORE SECRETS! God has given me a testimony to share and as far as I am concerned, I want it to be used for the Glory of God! I am done hiding and living in fear or shame! I am going to find freedom from my pain! I PROMISE, because God is faithful and knows the desires of my heart! 1 year from now ill be back here with LOTS of glorious stories to share of my adventures with the Lord! 

Until Next Time! 

Peace! =)

3 Days In Counting!

Hello my lovely readers!

So my official last week at home is coming to an end.. I cant believe how fast time has been flying these last couple weeks.. Its kind of crazy to think that I've been home since October 29th and It doesn't feel like its been that long, I mean its Almost been 3 months! Pretty crazy if you ask me!

Well God is still GOOD and keeping me pretty calm about leaving to NH in a few days. I was starting to freak out a little bit the other night but then I remembered what God has been telling me.. "Taylor I have a plan for you! You are not going alone, I am going with you." Its really comforting to know that I am not going alone and that God does have a plan and if you just trust Him He will provide when the time is right!

Today I got to talk to a girl named Taylor who went to His Mansion last year and graduated in the Spring. It was so comforting to here first hand testimony about this place and how much she loved it there! God is so great and He has completely transformed her life! I can't wait to be free from my pain and be better able to allow God to transform me! Taylor had so many encouraging words to share and advice to give and even put it out there, that I could call here any time if i have any more questions on what to expect or what to bring and such. It was such a blessing to have the opportunity to speak with her! I know this will be a very hard year but the reward in the end is going to be so worth it!

3 days left and still so much to do! Its coming so fast and to think back in October I was ready to leave and go somewhere then! I never thought I would be able to make it till January, and here I am sitting in amazement on how fast time as flown! Funny how life happens to us like that!

Plans for the weekend
Saturday
- skype date with a friend in the morning
- lunch date with another friend
- packing and organizing some more
- um.. i guess thats it. lol

Sunday
-Church in the am (giving my testimony)
-Celebrating my 22 birthday with my mom sisters and brother
-Dinner with the twin, my step mom and dad

Monday
-Making sure everything I need is packed and organized
-taking care of some last minute stuff
-Spending as much time as I can with my family...

Tuesday
-leaving on a plane with my daddy
-Arrive in NH that night

Wednesday
-Explore as much as I can NH
-Go to His Mansion at 3...
-Say goodbye to my daddy.... :(

I know it'll be hard at first but I look forward to the challenge God is placing before me! I love me a challenge!!

Please be in prayer for me over the next year! I am not allowed to have my computer but you never know if there will be an opportunity some time for me to get on and blog! I guess you just have to wait and check back every now and then to see if I've updated!

With LOTS of love,
Taylor

P.s Ill post my testimony on here some time Sunday hopefully! If not then, for sure before I leave!

I never thoughts I would ever be able to post my testimony on here, but you know what? I am no longer afraid! I trust God completely and I truly want to change and be healed! I want my story to be used to change lives! If that means no more secrets, that by golly NO MORE SECRETS!!! I am DONE living a lie! Its about times I speak the truth and let God use me! With that being said, keep your eyes out for my next blog either Sunday or Monday!

Peace!

Having Faith Is What It Takes

Hey Lovely readers! Sorry its been a wile since i wrote last.. A lot of things have been going on in my life.. Some good, some bad but overall I have a sense of peace. The Lord is so good to me and I am so blessed and honored that He still cares so much and still wants to help me... I have taken so many wrong turns in my life that I feel so unworthy of this kind of love... I know I don't deserve it in the least bit but, He still cares.. 

About a month ago my parents made the decision for me to come home from college.. I wasn't doing a very good job of taking care of myself.. I guess i was hoping that the more I helped others and payed attention to them and there needs, that maybe my issues would just go away.. I LOVE helping people and being there for them.. Well what I thought would work, didn't.. I came home feeling so broken, so alone, helpless, trapped, abandoned, betrayed... But the one word I now realize i didn't feel, was "Hopeful.." I felt like I had no hope.. Like there was no point in living any longer.. I felt as if I had lost everything I've worked so hard to get.. My friends.. the clubs/organizations I was involved in at school, my health, my life, and in a little way, God.. I couldn't understand why this was happening to me.. why couldn't I just take care of myself in the first place? My family was frustrated yet scared all at the same time because they have never seen me as low as i had been.. No one new how to act or what to say to me, which was very difficult.. But the Lord is ALWAYS faithful!!! I had no idea what I was going to do next, so I prayed... I prayed and prayed and prayed.. Asking the Lord to guide me unto the way I should go.. doors began to open before me and that was when I realized that there is always room for Hope.. The Lord did not give us a heart of fear but a heart of courage! God was telling me "Taylor I know you are scared.. But trust in me and everything will be ok!! I PROMISE!!" So I began to trust that He new what He was doing.. Even when I had no clue what to do or what to expect, God had a plan so why should I be afraid?? 

Like I said Doors began to open unto me and resources and connections began flowing in like a blanket of monsoon rain. With the God given free time I now had (since I wasn't at school) I began the search for a treatment center to go to. A place that was Christ centered, a place of healing and restoration, a place that God wanted ME to go to, and of course a place that wasn't extremely expensive.. (which is hard to find..) So I continued to trust the Lord even though i had fear that it wasn't going to work out.. Fear that I wasn't worth the time or effort, fear that I didn't deserve healing.. Now I don't know why I felt this way.. Maybe that was just Satan in my head.. 

I found 2 places- Christian based and FREE

Mercy Ministries (MM)

http://www.mercyministries.org/homepage

His Mansion Ministries (HM)  

http://www.hismansion.com/

Patiently waiting.. I filled out my applications and sent them in.. (let me tell you... waiting for the unexpected is one of the HARDEST things to do.. In my opinion anyways!) So I waited and waited and then got a phone interview for MM, then had to wait another week for the actual interview.. I honestly think that there is always room for improvement when it comes to patience.. We could all use some help in that area.. haha I know God is always testing mine!

Well then a week later... I got a call from HM! They wanted to set up a phone interview!! The interview went great and I just had an overwhelming peace that this was the place I needed to go!! A friend of mine whose nephew went to this facility had so many good things to say about it.. Then her sister (who has a prayer ministry in Dallas tx) told me that she would sponsor me to go there if I got in! Then on top of all of this her sister knows a girl whose name is also Taylor. Well ironically Taylor just got out of HM in the Spring of last year! She called HM for me and gave them a heads up that they would be receiving my application soon and told them a little about me. How COOL is that???  It was as if God was telling me.. I want you HERE!! I am going to make the way before you so that you will not have to worry about a thing.. 1 month later I got excepted into HM.. actually just found out last Monday, November 28 2011!!! It was the most reassuring feeling I've had this whole time of waiting.. I felt so hopeful that my patience and faith in the Lord payed off!! Now there also was the doubting feeling in my head.. like "oh my gosh.. do i deserve this?? Do I really need to go to a treatment center??" But as those thoughts pop in and out of my head I remind myself that the Lord is taking care of me and if I wasn't supposed to go to HM then I would have never got excepted in the first place.. The Father is in control and I trust Him with ALL of my heart!! What else do I have to do.. Except waist my time worrying about something that is already being taken care of for me! 

Every day I remind myself that the Lord HAS a plan and if He opens a door I WILL go through it! Yes it may be hard and terrifying at times but if the Lord is with you no one can harm you! WE as Christians are untouchable!! Often times I forget that... Satan gets it in my head that I've already lost so why keep on fighting or are you really worth it? But the TRUTH is; Jesus already paid the price for our sins! Victory has already been won! I am the child of the King and untouchable because the same power that raised Christ from the dead is the SAME power that lives inside of me and every other Believer!! What CAN'T we do if we have that same power?? 

I know i've talked a lot but I feel like this has to be said! God knows we are NOT perfect!! But He doesn't want us to live broken lives either.. He is the healer, the bringer of good things! Some times we ask for prayers to be answered and things don't work out the way you wanted them to.. Remember that God KNOWS what He is doing!! He can see the big picture!! We just see a tiny conner... Trust and know that the Lord is Good! He is the ONLY thing that can give you joy in life even in the worst part of the storm.. You will always have that Joy in your heart!! Happiness comes and goes but Joy lasts forever!! 

If I didn't have my faith or hope in the Lord I wouldn't be alive right now.. I would have given up a long time ago.. I know that God has a HUGE plan in store for my life and apart of that plan involves me going to His Mansion for a year... Seeking healing, guidance, comfort, strength, and knowledge on who He is, who I am in Him, and how He sees me! One year from NOW I will be free from all of my pain! Yes I know that the road is going to be rough ahead but I know that God is always going to be with me and will help me through the many storms I am going to encounter. 

Im terrified about going to a place, a place I've never been and going all alone, knowing no one there... But although the fear is boiling up I remember that God has a plan! This is where He wants me to go! Its just another adventure I get the privilege to go on with my Father in Heaven and another test of my faith!

Know that the Lord is always faithful!! He loves you SO very much and everything we go through will build you up and make you a stronger believe in Him! If life was perfect we would have no reason to to have faith or to trust in the Lord when times were tough! It is because of the difficult times in our lives that make us who we are today! The amazing person God made you to be! Perfect in HIS IMAGE!! (I am working on this last part!) 

Things happen for a reason right?? 

Because I came home I have been blessed in many different ways!

-Time of relaxation 

-More time to spend with the Father

-Communication with my family is getting a "little" better (definitely hard at time.. lots of miscommunication as well)

-Time to research and meditate on where God was calling me to go

-Time with my church family and being able to receive there encouragement and support as well

-Time to practice piano again!!! Life at school left me with no time to play anymore and that was really hard.. 

-Having the opportunity to learn new piano music and play in my friends piano recital

-Being able to see my sister as she goes through the end of her pregnancy and being able to meet my nephew! (that is when he is born...any day now!)

-Having the opportunity to make a baby quilt for my new nephew 

-Learn new recipes

-Got to have thanksgiving with my family

-Don't have to stress about finals and can focus on regaining strength and healing for now!

All of these things would have never happened if my parents never made the decision for me to come home. (2 months shy of the end of the semester..) I am so blessed to have a family that cares so much about me.. I know it has been hard for them to see me hurt but its because of that pain that I am able to write this to you write now.. Times get hard and although I was VERY angry (at first) with the fact that I couldn't finish the semester, I am now blessed beyond belief that things have turned out the way they have and I now trust God completely, more then ever before!!

Blessings come in many different shapes and sizes, so even if God sends you a blessing and its not in the form you wanted it in.. Except it and remember that God HAS a plan! It may not line up with your plan (most of the time it doesn't) But NEVER stop believing! Never for one second let Satan convince you that YOU are not worth anything.. Because you are worth EVERYTHING!! 

I pray that in some way what I have shared with you has given you a sense of hope, a sense that you are NOT alone! 

Hope Sustains,

~Taylor~

Week 5- What makes you happy?

First off I would like to apologize to you all for slacking on my posts... I have been extremely stressed out with school lately and have been a little distracted.. I'll do my best to keep up this time I promise! 


What makes me happy?
There are so many things that come to my mind when I think of the word happy. Have you ever thought of what that word really means? Happy..


hap·py
Having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with (a person, arrangement, or situation)


In actuality I am really easy to please, simply seeing a beautiful painted sunset in the sky after a long hard day or taking a nice walk with friends dancing in the nice autumn rain can make my day. There is nothing like the smell of rain!! Its like God is washing every bit of filth away from every crack and crevice on this earth. I just love it!! =) 


I love the laughter of people and the smiles on there faces, I love giving and receiving hugs, the kind of hugs that are so warm and meaningful, the ones that really show you that they care. I love those long talks and long walks with my beautiful friends, or getting the chance to snuggled up with my warm blanket on a cold winter day at school, wile watching disney movies in the lobby, are all things that make me smile and brings joy to my heart. Actually talking about all this makes me really want it to be winter now. I can't wait to see the snow falling from the sky and watching people trying to "not" slip on ice as they make there journey to class in the mornings. haha I'm sure this sounds pretty terrible to hear me say such a thing, but hey they I'm sure they are laughing at me as well when I try to make it to class without slipping. =) 


I love this school and I love the people. My professors always make me smile even when I am in a bad mood. They care so much for me as a person, not only as there student. The school of music here will always bring a smile to my face though, no matter the day, time, or year. Although i am not a music major any more and though they give me a hard time about it, I still live in that building most days. They were my first family when i came to school 3 years ago! (wow 3 years ago!! :o) They all hold a little piece of my heart and mean the word to me, all because they care about me as if i were there family. 


I love to sing and play guitar and piano! Music just soothes my soul... God gave us a heart to worship and maybe that is why it brings peace to my mind. I can be having the worst day of my life and then go to choir and sing and while I am there all of my problems just seem to vanish into thin air.. And as I sing I can feel the hands of God holing me in his arms. I may not be the greatest singer in the world but as long as it means something to God that is all that should matter. I love my sisters and my friends with all of my heart and i love to be with them! God has so graciously blessed me with so many amazing people in my life and such amazing parents. I know my life hasn't been the greatest but I know that God will use me and is using me to change lives. God is my reason to smile, because if it wasn't for Him I would be a live right now and if it wasn't for Him I wouldn't be saved with the reassurance that everything will be ok one day, for He has a plan for my life and is watching out for me! I also love photography and the ability God has given me to capture the beauty he creatively placed in this world. I see this place in a different way, a different view then most people. That in itself is a blessing strait form God showing me how much He really does care about me. =) Whoever created the idea of "photography" was plain genius, because it is such a huge tool that God uses to reveal to the "whole world" the glory and beauty of who He really is.


I am so very blessed to be alive and there are so many things in my life worth smiling for, I just have to remember them and learn to open my eyes more often to enjoy the little blessing in life, gifts sent form God to bring a smile to my face. =)


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Ok so i am 2 weeks behind.. everyone I am so sorry... Here is what last weeks journal was:


Week 6: Find a picture that describe how you are feeling right now and write about the picture. The picture can be one you('ve) took/taken or you can find it on the internet. I hope you all are doing well, have fun! 


God Bless! 
~Taylor~

week 3- Who/what has had a major influence on your life?

I know this is going to sound cheesy and make me sound like a Jesus freak but I am ok with that.. The one person that has had the biggest influence in my life would have to be Jesus..  It is because of him that I keep fighting.. It is his loving character that gives me strength to say that I am a daughter of the King. He has helped me through so much in my life that I can't even begin to list and each time I mess up He takes me back, without thinking twice... He has and continues to teach me that its ok to hurt and ask for help, because "we" live in a broken world and WE are NOT perfect.. WE all need help.. this world wasn't made for us to go through it alone... He is teaching me that his grace is sufficient in my weakness no matter what, because He is the perfect replication of strength. He is what strength is all about.. If I didn't have Christ in my life I honestly don't know where I would be right now.. I know you probably hear people say that a lot of times but it is the truth.. It is because of him that I go to Wayland.. It is because of Him that I have a good relationship with my family.. It is because of Him that I continue to have faith in something I can't see... But I know He is there... I can feel Him all around me.. I can't make it through a day without Him..

The last couple of year or I guess my whole life I feel like I have continually been fighting for my life every single day and I know that if i didn't have the faith of a mustard seed when I was struggling or having doubts I would probably be dead by now... Its hard to admit that.. But God is my reason for life, He is the one who keeps me going.. He makes life worth living for and as long as He stays by my side (which I know darn well He will!) I know I can live for that!

I read Gods word and I see the way he treats people and the kind of people He chose to be with... It wasn't the rich and selfish.. it was the pour and broken who he donated all of His time towards.. I see that and then I look at our world today..
What do you see?
I see a world full of broken people who are searching for help and everyone just passes each other by without even thinking twice.. So consumed with there own issues that they forget that others are hurting as well..  Is that what God intended US as Christians to be like, to do? I don't think so... In the bible it says that when you become a Christian you become a "little Christ" which means that you are to act as Christ acted being a "little Christ". I want to be like Christ and live like He lived... Yes that requires caring my own "cross" but Christ did it for me so why can't I do it for Him.. I have to give up my whole life to fallow Him and if that gives me the greatest reward in the end, then bring it on because I know that Christ is my strength and He will pull me through anything/everything..

I want to live like Christ lived and change lives.. I want my eyes to be opened to the broken and hurting and I want my story to be used to transform lives and give them that mustard seek of hope that I had to cling to for so long.. Yes I am still broken and hurting but who isn't? We all are.. But I am done being consumed by my own pain... and I am done passing others by.. I want to be the light in the darkness.. I want to be a tool that God uses in someones life.. I want my words to touch YOUR heart and let you know that YOU are NOT a lone! I want to be that difference!

I know I am weak... I know I am struggling ALL the time.. I know that I am not good enough for this world... But that is ok because I KNOW that with Christ in my life He will be my strength in my weakness and He WILL take me back time and time again when I mess up... and I KNOW that although I am not good enough for this world, I am good enough for Him and that is ALL that should matter to me.. There is something far more greater for my life and although I don't know what it is right now, God knows and as long as I trust Him, lives will be touched and I will be that change, I will be that difference!

My faith hasn't always been this strong... Its taken A LONG time to get to this point.. and its still not that strong all the time.. But its because of all of the hardships I've gone through in my life, seeing the way He has helped me overcome it all and seeing his influence time and time again through out the bible, that He continues to have that positive influence in my life and continues to transform me and renews my faith everyday. It by all means is NOT easy at all.. It does take a lot of time and effort.. just like having a friendship with someone takes time and effort so does this... You can't have a good relationship with Christ if you don't spend time with Him and get to know Him...

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog... I hope that in some way what I have said has touched your heart and If you would like to talk to me or ask any questions please feel free to leave me a message or shoot me an email at ts6408@yahoo.com and Ill get back to you as soon as possible!

"you are beautifully and wonderfully made"
~Taylor~

Week 4-
What are your aspirations in life and why? Have fun!! =)

Week 2- Favorite memories growing up

Favorite Memories... 

At first, when I decide the topic for the week I was having a really hard time... I could not for the life of me think of something happy that stuck out from my life.. I know what you're thinking.. "how can you not think of something happy??" Well you see, this is exactly why I am doing this project! I have been so consumed with all of the hurt and pain from my past that it was starting to take over my mind, to the point that I couldn't even remember anything good about the last 21 years.. Once I started really thinking about my life, glimpses of happy memories began to reveal themselves from there hiding places. 

So... Are you ready for this.. are you ready to hit the road?? 

Traveling down memory lane, words fill my mind as they line the journey set before me.. Comforting, soothing words that brings joy to my mind.

~Night night~

When my twin sister and I were born my dad made up this little rhyme.. It goes like this: "Night night, Sleep tight, Love you, Love you more, Love you this much, Kisses, Night night." Every night my dad would come into our room and do this.. After every phrase we would repeat what he said.. When he said "I love you THIS much" We would through our arms out stretched wide trying to emphasize how much he really loved us, and when he said "kisses" we would blow kisses to my dad and he would catch them all.. Never letting one get away, and he would place them in his heart.. Every night we did this and it seemed to make everything feel so much better.. Even if the day was a nightmare everything seemed better because my dad still cared and loved us so much! Some times I think about this memory and really miss the warm comforting sound of his sweet words every night, sometimes wishing I could be a kid again... But that is why memories are so good! You can savor that moment forever! 

Growing up I never realized how much I was really loved... I honestly had no idea.. But now that I look back and remember the good times, I am starting to come to my senses...:)

~Late night talks~

haha This one always makes me smile... Im sure ALL of you know what I am talking about!! It's those "late night talks" that you say you will NEVER forget about! As you already know, I have a twin sister.. She is the most amazing person alive and that is just being nice...:) But anyways... When we were children Jordan and I always had a bunk bed.. Jordan got top and I got bottom... Every night after my dad did "night nights" Jordan would beg me to come up to the top bunk with here.. Every night she asked me to do 1 of 2 things... Either Sing her a song or make up a story... For some reason this helped her fall asleep at night.. (at least I think it did.. If not I don't know why else she would want me to do that every night..:)) So being the good sister that I am, every night I would climb up to her bunk and make up a silly story and/or sing her a song.. It was always so nice to feel needed even though I really wanted to just go to sleep!! We had many late nights like this.. trying to see who could stay up the longest (which she always won at... :/) But, hey what can I say.. I like me some sleep! Being "all grown up" kind've sucks some times i must admit... Jordan is now married and has her own life and I am gone away at school the majority of the year.. so we don't have many late night talks/hang outs any more.. It does make me sad but it makes me glad to see how we have grown over the years.. And plus there will always be plenty of late night talks to come in the future.. :D

~DUN DUN DUN...... The evil stepmother~

What is the first thing that pops into your head when you here this?? Ready GO!! 

ok.. well what your thinking is wrong... 

Yes I have a step mom... but, she isn't as evil as evil stepmothers can be... This isn't as the original fairy tale kind of story.. But it is a story..

When my dad and step mom sat my sisters and I down to tell us what was going on my dad starts off by saying.. "Children.. I have been searching all around town to find the perfect "evil stepmother" for you and I think I finally found her!" We all kind of laughed and ever since then the name has stuck.. Every time I get a letter at school from my step mom, in the "from" line on the envelope it'll read "evil step mother" and on the inside of the card it would say: Love always the evil stepmother.. Its pretty hilarious if you ask me because the expressions on peoples faces when they hear me talk about my step mom that way are just priceless.. Every where we would go whether to a school meeting, meet the teacher, friends.. anything, my step mom would introduce herself as just that. "hello I am the evil stepmother.." 

~Hailee and I~

Hailee is my adorable niece... She will six on the 24th of this month.. I can't believe how big she is ALREADY.. Her and I have a special bond together.. Im not sure why that is but we make a great team! When she was a baby my sister Kendis (Hailee's mom) would only let me watch Hailee out of all of my other sister.. when it came time for a nap... she had the hardest time falling asleep because there was just way to much going on and of course she didn't want to miss anything... so I would take her into the pantry hallway and shut the doors on both sides and just sit on the floor in the dark rocking her back and forth until she finally fell asleep... when she got a little older my sister moved out and got her own place with her little family and she would bring Hailee over to the house every morning at around 630 so that she could go to work.. Almost every morning my niece would crawl into bed with me and just cuddle until it was time for me to get up and get ready for school.. But of course with a little one entering an already warm bed the person in the bed always gets the shocking experience of cold feet... haha she always put her cold piggy toes on me because she thought it was funny to see me jump or freak out! For a couple of years we had this morning ritual and I honestly really miss those morning with here a lot.. 

~Singing silly songs~

I am kind of musically inclined.. not a lot but kind of.. I play guitar and something that I do often to cheer myself up is being goofy and playing silly songs.. Random songs about lonely shoes in my closet the never get used.. or about break lunch and dinner including everything in between (brunch, lupper, and even brinner) My roommate got a kick out of this the last year and a half.. her and I would sing the craziest things but you know what?? I didn't really care because, well it was fun!:) occasionally when I am starting to feel down i just pull out my guitar and do just that.. sing something silly that will brighten my mood.

~Bag Pipes~

This is one of my most favorite memories... My whole life, or at least the last 21 years, I have had to opportunity to hear my grandpa McDonald play the bag pipes.. He was the most amazing bag piper I've ever heard in my life... I am not just saying that because he was my grandma, I am saying that because it is the truth!! Every year he would fly from FL to AZ and we would always make sure he had those pipes of his or he would be in trouble with all of his grandkids! There was just nothing like hearing him play.. He played at my step mom and dads wedding and when i was in elementary school he came to my school and played for my whole grade, which was really awesome!! He even whore a kilt and everything else that went with it. The kids just laughed and said!  "oh my gosh that guy is wearing a skirt... O_o" Then I would have to explain that it wasn't really a skirt but a kilt and that all Scottish bag pipers wear them, its apart of the heritage! My grandpa recently just passed away and it aches my heart to think that I wont ever get to see him play again.. But one great thing is that hopefully some day ill be able to carry on the tradition of the bag pipes in my family and learn to play just like him! My grandma said that if I want to carry on this for the family that she would give me my grandpas pipes which would mean a lot me but would be scary as well.. I know I will never be as good as he was but just the fact that I could try and do this for my family makes my heart happy.. My grandpa was one of the most amazing men i've got to know and I am so blessed to have been able to have him for so long!

Well travelers.. I hope the trip wasn't to long and that you all enjoyed your tour of Memory Lane! Until next time.. Enjoy!:) 

P.s week 3 journal entry is:

Who/what has had a major influence in your life? Make sure it is a positive influence and most importantly Have FUN!!! =)

In His time

God has been speaking to me

The picture on the left is the sunrise on the way back to school. If you look really close on the left hand side the telephone pole looks like a cross. God was with us! This is just one example of Gods beauty!:)

The picture on the right is the sunset from the other day!

Everyday I can see his glory, his beauty, his unfailing love!

I went for a walk yesterday with 3 of my really close friends and I saw the most beautiful sunset ever! I kept telling my friends "Look at how beautiful the sky looks right now" and they didn't really care much about it.

God has been doing little things for me lately, things that make me really happy or brightens my day, like the sunset. God knows exactly what makes you happy and he squeezes it into each and every day. Some times we just forget to pay attention to it, sometimes we just get to busy and rush through the day. God has been showing me that you can never be to busy to pay attention to Him.

This semester I have been extremely busy, way more then I was last semester, but there is something different this time. I have been more content with myself and have seen God's presence in my everyday life, even on the busiest day.

I've been playing a lot of music lately. The cello, classical guitar, piano, singing and what I've come to terms with is that every time I do any of it I am worshipping the Lord through it all. Every second on every day I am praising my King!!

The Lord is So merciful and cares SO much for me, even when I don't feel like I deserve it. He is always there!:)

Going into this semester/new year I had this reassurance that it was going to be a great semester. Now that I'm living it, I can see clearly now! God’s gentle voice is speaking to me everyday and as I fallow, I know I'll do great things for his glory. Now what exactly? I have no idea, but that is in Gods hands, so i have nothing to worry about.

In His time,

Taylor M.

He Always Takes Me BacK!!!

OK, so at my church I started this street evangelism group called FTH (Feed the Hungry). I originally started it but was afraid to be in charge of it, because… well actually I don’t really know why but anyway the right person is in charge of it now and it’s better that way because ill be going off to college next year and couldn’t be in charge of it, anyway. 

Well, last month when FTH went down town to feed the homeless a few ladies and I sat down with this man (I don’t remember his name so let’s call him John). So John began expressing his feeling towards religion period. Instantly, I realized this man was going to be an interesting person to communicate with. He expressed he messes up a lot and God doesn’t deserve someone like him; someone who constantly makes the same mistake repeatedly. I tried to tell him that we’re only human and God expects us to mess up again and again, because it’s in our human nature to do so. We can try as hard as we want, but no matter what we do it’ll never work, we will always mess up. God knew that, and that’s one reason His son Jesus died for us, so we could get to heaven. “Because the wages of sin is death” we would have never made it to heaven if it wasn’t for Jesus. 

I told John that I make mistakes all the time, whether it’s messing up and falling into old bad habits or if its finding myself lying. The mistakes can be anything but I confess them to God and every time, whether I think I deserve it, He takes me back. 

I recently make a huge mistake and honestly, I wished God could punish me somehow so I would learn from it. I always learn from my mistakes, but for some odd reason I seem to make it again. Sometimes it’s not for a long time like 4 months or a short period of time like 2 days, but either way it doesn’t matter because God loves me and he knows that I’m going to face temptation throughout my entire life. 

So why, with the knowledge that I have, make the same mistake again if I know it’s not right? 

Sometimes were so blinded by what we see and feel and ignore what God is trying to tell us. I may know that God is with me and I can count on Him to get me through these temptations, but sometimes… I don’t want his help. That is why I make the same mistakes repeatedly; because I try so hard to handle things on my own. I try so hard to say that everything is ok when there is something on my mind. I try so hard to tell God that I don’t need his help, that I can do it on my own. But clearly I can’t do it on my own because I keep falling into the same mistakes repeatedly, just because I want to be strong and do it on my own. 

After I messed up, I talked to God and confessed what I did. I was so angry at myself and wanted to commit the same sin again just because I was made that I fell into temptation again. For a couple of days I was really down because I hadn’t forgiven myself for it. I talked to God again and asked him to give me peace about it. He spoke to me and said:

“Taylor, I love you so much and I know you messed up but see how long you went without falling into that temptation? You are so amazing and I know you are stronger than you think”

Ok God didn’t really speak these words to me but this is what I felt like he was telling me. Soon after this I felt at peace with myself and could finally move on. God works in weird ways, but He always takes me back even when I don’t think I deserve it, he does. It’s because of God I stand here or…. write here, and it’s because of God that I know everything will always be ok. Sometimes the hardest part in life is trying to find the courage to forgive yourself, but one thing you can always count on is that God has got your back and he is lever going to let you fall. 

This story is an example of how God forgives us of our sins and I know many people feel like John (the homeless man I mentioned above) and I know it’s hard to even fathom that someone could or would want even want to take you back. But let me tell you, He does, and it honors him to have you back in his family. 

God has taught me so many things and I would love to go back to that park and find John again and share with him this story that God has given me to tell. This story that can somehow or some way relate to him. It may not be the same circumstance, but God does everything for a reason and this is the testimony I would like to share with him. I hope and pray that my blog will somehow benefit someone. 

God Bless. :)