My
Journey Through Vision Loss
Taylor
McDonald
12-31-2014
At times it feels like my heart is
being pulled into this dark whole. Like all I can or want to do is cry out to
God in fear, anger, sadness, questioning why or better yet how will I be ok? I
have faced many things in life that have left me terrified, but yet every
experience has a different impact, feeling, memory, Vision loss is definitely
one of those experiences. Even now writing this, tears fill up in my eyes. My
heart says everything will be ok and that God has a plan but as I see changes
in my vision I can’t help but be consumed with terror. My flesh says I can’t do
this or I wont be ok. Its so frustrating seeing changes and not being able to
stop it or control it.
This semester when I realize that I
couldn’t recognize people anyone unless I was very familiar with them and could
recognize their voices I got scared. I didn’t want to go anywhere by myself and
when I did and someone said hello to me I just said hello back wondering who
that person was.. People try to be so friendly yet I feel like I can’t be
friendly like they are because half the time I don’t know who they are. I find
myself often times saying “hey who are you? Sorry I can’t see you.”
So much of
me wants to be strong and as I convince everyone else around me that my vision
loss is ok I hope that I will believe it and become ok with it as well. But,
the truth is; no matter how much I talk about it and say that God has this
under control, I wont be any more ok with it then I was the last time I said
it. Vision loss is a big deal and a huge change that needs accepting and
adjusting to. To become ok with the circumstance I must look at the situation
and embrace it, working through it. I think deep down, that is what I fear. I
fear excepting that this is reality.. I fear that I will have to watch my vision
loss progress and change slowly and will have to adjust 10,000 times over again. I
fear that in the end I wont be ok. This is
something I thought I would never have to deal with or experience, yet here I
am in the midst of the storm unable to “see” where this journey is taking me.
As I was
talking to a friend the other day I realized that there are little bits of
blessings squeezed between the changes of my vision. As I notice my vision
change I notice that God calls me closer to Himself. As my vision decreases my dependence on him increases. Without God it is
impossible for me to be ok, but I trust that there is a plan for my life in
this journey through vision loss. Without pain, fear, worry, I would have no
reason to depend on the Lord for strength and guidance. With these feelings
though, comes the process of grieving. I now know it is ok to cry over what I
am loosing in my vision but remembering that in the big picture I am gaining so
much more. A stronger dependence and reliance on the Lord who sustains me when I
am weak and gives me the strength when I feel I can’t take another step.
I still don’t
know how I am going to be ok with the changes that are occurring and I don’t
know how much vision I will loose or how long it’ll take for me to loose it,
but as I cling to the Lord in desperation I know and trust He will help,
protect, sustain, and guide me. Right now that is all I have and that is enough
for me.
Peace to you all,
Taylor
A W Tozer
Peace to you all,
Taylor
"To believe actively that our Heavenly
Father constantly spreads around us providential circumstances that work for
our present good and our everlasting well-being brings to the soul veritable
benediction. Most of us go through life praying a little, planning a little,
jockeying for position, hoping but never being quite certain of anything and
always secretly afraid that we will miss the way. This is a tragic waste of
truth and never gives rest to the heart. There is a better way. It is to
repudiate our own wisdom and take instead the infinite wisdom of God. Our
insistence upon seeing ahead is natural enough, but is a real hindrance to our
spiritual progress. God has charged Himself with full responsibility for our
eternal happiness and stands ready to take over the management of our lives the
moment we turn in faith to Him."